Poking around a CD backup of an old PC of mine from September '98 I found the following half-finished script, which was dated December '95.
Here it is, reformatted, but otherwise left largely "as was":
To Boldly Screw...EXT. ENTERPRISE: IN ORBIT OVER AN ATTRACTIVE LOOKING PLANET
PICARD
Captain's log - stardate 3840937. The Enterprise is currently in orbit around
the resort world of Lavash, to pick up Federation Ambassador Fu' Klakla
K'lpprs. We are also undergoing holo-deck improvements by that world's leisure
experts. Meanwhile, several of the crew have taken advantage of the
opportunity to visit this legendary world.
INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM
The transporter chief is beaming someone aboard. He mutters in concern, and
seems to have to do a lot more tapping on the console than usual. Finally, the air
shimmers and Commander Riker materialises.
TRANSPORTER CHIEF
Good trip Commander?
RIKER
Those Lavashian women...
He shakes his head and smiles
A days leave with them and you're...
He begins to walk unsteadily from the room.
TRANSPORTER CHIEF
Commander!
RIKER
(Pasting a hopeful smile on his face)
Chief?
TRANSPORTER CHIEF
I had a little trouble with the bio-filters when I was beaming you up. Seems you
picked up some mutant strain of Lavashian Crabs.
RIKER
(Worried)
Were you able to screen them out?
TRANSPORTER CHIEF
I think so. But you'd better see Doctor Crusher to make sure.
RIKER
Okay.
He pauses.
Uh, Chief?
TRANSPORTER CHIEF
Yes, Commander?
RIKER
You er, won't mention this to anyone will you?
TRANSPORTER CHIEF
Of course not Commander.
Riker leaves the room. The Transporter Chief raises his eyes to the ceiling, then
returns to his console to beam the next crewman on board. Again the air shimmers,
this time as Geordi LaForge returns.
TRANSPORTER CHIEF
Good trip Commander?
GEORDI
Incredible! I found this seminar on the use of bio-feedback induction phase
inverting transformers in the creation and maintenance of pseudo-quasitronic
wave forms, in order to achieve higher ratios of bio-quasitronic transformation
when we activate any of the Enterprise's primary or secondary systems!
TRANSPORTER CHIEF
Whatever you say, Commander.
INT. TURBO LIFT
Occupied by Lieutenant Commander Data. There is the sound of the doors opening
and Captain Picard enters. The doors whoosh shut and the lift begins to move. They
stand in silence for a few seconds.
DATA
Captain! I have been pursuing further research on human nature, and find
myself in need of more information. Would you mind if I asked you a personal
question?"
PICARD
Of course not Mr Data. Ask away.
DATA
Is sex an important part of your life? How often do you have sex? How many
partners do you have at the moment? What is your sexual orientation? Have
you ever engaged in perverse sexual practices such as bondage, sado
-masochism, anal intercourse -----
Picard interrupts, spluttering.
PICARD
Mr Data!
DATA
I am sorry Captain. Have I offended you?
PICARD
Computer! Halt.
He thinks for a moment.
Mr Data.
DATA
Captain?
PICARD
You must understand that sexual matters...
He is obviously embarrassed.
...to human beings... sexual matters are very private, intimate.
DATA
(consulting his internal database)
Intimate! Closely acquainted; familiar; closely personal; close; have had, or are
having sexual relations.
I see! Are you embarrassed Captain?
PICARD
No, no! Not at all... Yes. Why do you wish to know this information?
DATA
In my observations on human behaviour it has become apparent to me that a
large portion of human activity and thought is devoted either to performing or
thinking about sexual activity. To state two examples: Commander Riker
spends most of his off-duty hours engaged in sexual activity ----
PICARD
Data - how do you know that?
DATA
He told me, Captain.
PICARD
He told you?
DATA
Yes. Last night at Ten-Forward. Along with eighty-seven members of the crew,
thirty-three minor dependants of the crew and twenty-two civilians, including
Federation ----
PICARD
----- Including Federation Ambassador K'lpprs.
He looks angry.
He told the whole bar? In God's name, why?
DATA
I believe that he was intoxicated, Captain.
PICARD
I see.
DATA
And my second example is Lieutenant Commander LaForge. He appears to
spend the majority of his off-duty hours thinking about sexual matters and
attempting to devise a strategy that would enable him to actively participate.
PICARD
And is he successful?
DATA
No Captain, he is not. In the five years that I have known him, he has devised
two-hundred and twenty-three custom holo-deck programs, one-hundred and
fifty-six seduction lines, and sixty-three extensively planned dates. In all, he
has approached twenty-one point six percent of all the females aged sixteen or
over who have served on the Enterprise in that time.
PICARD
And these strategies have not resulted in success?
DATA
Apparently, the results so far are: first base reached seven times, second base
reached three times, and third base reached once. Home base has not been
reached.
PICARD
What is home base?
DATA
I do not know sir. That is why I am engaging in this research. So far, I have
studied twenty-two thousand seven-hundred and ninety-one issues of women's
magazines -----
PICARD
(interrupting)
And have they clarified your confusion?
DATA
No Captain. But I am now an expert in make-up, clothing and the moral and
spiritual philosophies of over a thousand entertainment personalities. I have
also studied the sexual habits and practices of over seven thousand intelligent
life-forms.
He scans his internal memory.
The Rintari of Rintar Five insert pine cones into their anal passages, whilst the
female of the Jakala species eats her partners genitals after mating. Amongst
Vulcans, sado-masochism is common, whilst----
PICARD
(Again interrupting)
I think that's quite enough Mr Data!
DATA
But Captain. I require more information.
PICARD
I suggest you ask Commander Riker. This is more his department.
INT. SICKBAY
Riker is sitting casually on the examination table.
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Will! You really ought to think about changing your lifestyle!
RIKER
Look Beverly! So I picked up a little dose of the crabs. If you're just give me a
little something, I can get back to work.
DOCTOR CRUSHER
It's not that simple.
She brings up his medical record on her computer terminal, and begins to read it out.
Four previous cases of Lavashian Clap. Two previous cases of Vulcan Love Rot.
Seven previous cases of Tellurian Syphilis. Three previous cases of Klingon
Penile Rabies. More cases of gonorrhoea than Deanna's had lovers.
She scrolls down the list.
Oh, and there was that thing you picked up off that tree on Senala 5.
RIKER
Look! A lot of the crew were affected on that planet.
DOCTOR CRUSHER
True. But Will, they all caught it off you!
She walks back over to him.
I'd better give you an examination. Could you whip your pants off please.
Riker does so, slightly red-faced. Beverly begins to examine him.
There's small traces of a substance under your foreskin.
RIKER
Substance?
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Some sort of brown material. I'll just take a sample.
She takes out a vicious looking metallic instrument and scrapes off some of the
substance.
RIKER
Ouch!
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Don't be such a baby.
She walks over to the analysis unit, places the substance in it, and begins to analyse
it.
It's some form of organic matter. Based around sugar compounds. Some traces
of caffeine.
She thinks for a moment, then realises the answer.
It's chocolate! Chocolate sauce!
RIKER
Yeah, well... I had a date with Deanna last night.
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Oh. Well you ought to be more careful about your personal hygiene.
She picks up her syringe.
I'll give you a basic shot of preventative agents. But next time, be more
careful!
RIKER
Yeah, course. Honest. No problem.
STAR TREK INTRO AND MUSIC PLAYS
EXT. SHOT OF ENTERPRISE HEADING THROUGH SPACE
PICARD
Captains Log - stardate 3840939. The Enterprise is now two days out of
Lavash, and apart from one minor diplomatic incident at Ten-Forward,
shipboard life is calm. I only wish that my own state of mind was the same.
This afternoon I had tea with Beverly... The woman is driving me mad. The
way she just sits there, wearing that smug, knowing smile. The way she purrs
“Jean-Luc” and boasts about the fact that she is the only person on the ship
who can give me an order. Her hair. Her face. I just wanted to rip that uniform
off her, tip her over my knee and give her a damn good...
Still... At least I got that brat of hers transferred to the Academy and out of the
way.
INT. CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM
The door whooshes open and Riker enters.
PICARD
Will! You wished to see me?
RIKER
(Troubled)
It's about the incident in Ten-Forward.
PICARD
Ah yes. The slight problem between Ensign Rhodes and the Ambassador's aide.
RIKER
It was more than a slight problem, Captain. Ensign Rhodes - and his group -
simply asked the aide if he would like to join them for a drink.
PICARD
Which in the K'Klak culture is one of the worst insults possible!
RIKER
Rhodes didn't know that. And as our guests on this ship, they should be
prepared to adapt to our culture. Couldn't you talk to the Ambassador?
PICARD
(Putting on his anguished voice)
What would you have me ask? That they should throw away ten millennia of
history and culture? The K'Klak are an ancient and honourable people.
RIKER
Yes, but...
PICARD
Will... Haven't you studied your history?
RIKER
There was a girl in my history class... I was distracted.
PICARD
The greatest injustices, the worst outrages, in human history - have all started
when one culture was asked to adapt to another. The most important lesson
that we have learned, is that we must always fully respect other people's
cultures. And never ask them to adapt to ours.
RIKER
So you're not going to talk to the Ambassador?
PICARD
No. That would be an abuse of my position.
RIKER
Captain! Ensign Rhodes is critical in sick-bay. Ten of the K'Klak dragged him
into a Jeffries tube, kicked the living crap out of him, then dropped him down a
turbo-shaft!
PICARD
Will! If that is their culture, then we must respect it.
RIKER
(Grumpily)
Captain.
He leaves the room, and walks across the bridge to Worf, who is standing at his
station.
RIKER
I presume you've heard about the incident in Ten-Forward, Lieutenant?
WORF
Yes Commander. Do you wish me to take action?
RIKER
Well it's a bit difficult. The Captain does not wish any official action to be taken,
since that would infringe on the Ambassador's status.
WORF
No official action?
RIKER
Exactly. But as the person responsible for the smooth-operations of this ship, I
do feel that the K'Klak need to be persuaded not to do this sort of thing again.
WORF
(Snarling in ecstasy)
Persuaded?
RIKER
Yes. Perhaps if you took some of your boys down to their quarters, and...
persuaded them.
WORF
(Nodding happily)
It shall be done, Commander.
RIKER
And Worf?
WORF
Commander?
RIKER
Could you be discrete about this?
WORF
Of course Commander. I will take all necessary security measures.
The gleam of battle comes into his eyes.
I will assemble a hand-picked team of my senior officers. And to ensure
secrecy, we will take the K'Klak to one of the cargo bays and persuade them
there.
RIKER
Very good Lieutenant.
He walks to the turbo-lift and departs from the bridge. Captain Picard enters from
his ready-room and approaches the female Ensign on helm.
PICARD
Is everything proceeding as planned?
ENSIGN
We had to reduce speed slightly, but we are still on course to meet our E.T.A.
PICARD
Why did we reduce speed?
ENSIGN
We were advised by engineering. Apparently, the engines were approaching
operational limits. Some sort of imbalance apparently. So we reduced speed by
three point five percent.
Picard walks over to his seat, sits down and slaps his com-badge.
PICARD
Engineering!
VOICE FROM ENGINEERING
Yeah?
PICARD
To whom am I speaking?
VOICE FROM ENGINEERING
What the fuck's it to you man? Who are you, anyway?
PICARD
This is your Captain, Jean-Luc Picard.
VOICE FROM ENGINEERING
Shit! I mean - sorry, sir. This is Ensign Peterson, sir.
PICARD
(Speaking to Worf, who is clearly angered by the exchange)
Lieutenant. Could you discipline Ensign Peterson at some point?
WORF
Consider it done.
Picard reactivates the com-link.
PICARD
Ensign Peterson. Why did you advise helm to reduce speed?
PETERSON
The phase distortions within the dilithium crystals were approaching
allowable operational tolerances.
PICARD
Which means?
PETERSON
Fucked if I... I mean that I'm not totally sure of the precise definition...
Picard turns off the channel and makes a noticeable attempt to gather his thoughts.
PICARD
(Opening the channel)
And so you took it upon yourself to advise a reduction is speed.
PETERSON
Look! I've been here two weeks. "Join Star Fleet and see the galaxy," they said.
Then they dump me here, show me the crystals, and tell me: "For Christ's sake,
don't let them get above five percent - if those mothers blow, we all fucking
blow!"
PICARD
Who is the senior officer on duty in Engineering?
PETERSON
Sir?
PICARD
(Starting to get impatient)
Are there any, more senior personnel in the engine room with you?
PETERSON
Er... no sir.
PICARD
Well where are they?
PETERSON
There was some bloke around. He told me to keep an eye on things, and then
he left.
PICARD
Which officer was this?
PETERSON
I don't know sir.
There is a pause.
(In a helpful voice)
He was wearing a yellow uniform!
PICARD
(Losing it)
You're all wearing yellow, bloody uniforms, Ensign!
He rolls his eyes to the ceiling.
Ensign!
PETERSON
Sir?
PICARD
Carry on.
He stands up and takes a step forward.
Computer! Where is Lieutenant Commander LaForge?
COMPUTER
Lieutenant Commander LaForge is in Sanitary Area 5.
The female ensign on helm sniggers for a moment. Picard glares at her.
INT. SANITARY AREA
Geordi is sitting on the toilet. He is frantically pulling large amounts of toilet paper
out of the toilet paper replicator. His com-badge sounds.
PICARD
Mr LaForge!
GEORDI
Captain?
PICARD
There appears to be no-one competent in engineering. Could you please sort it
out? Immediately!
GEORDI
I'm kindof busy right now Captain.
PICARD
Immediately, Mr LaForge. I want those engines back to full power within thirty
minutes.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE DEANNA TROY'S COUNSELLING ROOM
Data, who is hovering outside, is approached by a crewman.
CREWMAN
Commander Data! Could I have a word?
DATA
Just one word? Surely that will not suffice?
He scans his internal database.
Ah! I see. You are using a colloquial saying to indicate that you actually wish to
exchange many words with me - a conversation?
CREWMAN
Er... Yes.
DATA
Continue Lieutenant.
CREWMAN
Well, it's about your cat.
DATA
Spot?
CREWMAN
Yes... The thing is, when my wife and I got up today, we found him in our
quarters.
DATA
I see! I will improve the anti-escape measures I have designed to contain him
in my quarters. Is that all?
CREWMAN
Well... no. You see, he was trying to hump my daughter's pet gerbil.
DATA
Hump?
He scans his internal database his eyes flicking from side to side.
Hump! Protuberance, especially on back; rounded raised mass of earth; hoist
or carry; colloquialism, meaning to have sexual intercourse.
I see. Spot was attempting to have sex with your gerbil.
CREWMAN
My daughter was very upset.
DATA
I will add a feminising substance to the replicator settings for his food.
CREWMAN
Thank you sir.
The crewman walks away down the corridor. Data pauses for a moment, then
presses the entry-phone button by the door.
DEANNA
Come in!
Data enters.
INT. DEANNA TROY'S COUNSELLING ROOM
DEANNA
Data! How can I help you.
DATA
It is a delicate matter, Councillor. I was hoping that you could aid me in some
experiments I wish to perform.
INT. DEANNA'S BEDROOM
She and Data are in bed, lying side-by-side, apparently naked.
DEANNA
Data don't worry... It happens to all men at some point in their life.
DATA
Nevertheless, I must perform an immediate Level 3 diagnostic on my genital
sub-structure. This could be an indication of a malfunction.
He picks up his com-badge from her bedside table, and presses it.
Commander Data to Captain Picard!
INT. BRIDGE
PICARD
Yes Commander?
DATA
There is evidence that indicates that I may be suffering from some form of
malfunction. Since I do not yet know what that malfunction is, I must
recommend that you temporarily relieve me of my duties.
PICARD
Could you inform me of what the malfunction is?
INT. DEANNA'S BEDROOM
DATA
I would rather not Captain.
PICARD
All right. You are temporarily removed from duty. But Mr Data?
DATA
Yes.
PICARD
Could you keep me appraised of your situation?
DATA
I will sir.
INT. BRIDGE
PICARD
And perhaps you ought to see Councillor Troy.
INT. SICKBAY
Geordi is walking in, very gingerly with straight legs.
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Hi Geordi! What's seems to be the problem?
GEORDI
I've been feeling a bit funny, recently. And now it's starting to get in the way of
my work.
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Funny? In what way?
INT. TEN-FORWARD
An alien in civilian clothing is sitting, unaccompanied at the bar. Guinan is standing
some way along the bar, with one of her barmen.
BARMAN
He's one of the Ambassador's aides. You know - the K'Klaks!
GUINAN
Really? I think we need a little talk.
She wonders along the bar.
Would you like a drink?
He lunges at her, but she easily parries his attack and rams him down onto the bar, her
hands clamped around his neck.
When I was a little girl, I used to have this most wonderful Garrashian attack
tiger as a pet. He had this incredibly beautiful coat: sleek, glistening. But do
you know what the problem with Garrashian tigers is?
He manages to shake his head, his face scraping on the bar.
When they reach puberty, at about three years - they suddenly go psycho. And
that's what happened to mine. He wouldn't do anything I ordered to him to. So
do you know what I did?
He manages another shake of his head.
I went to see my great-great-great-grandmother, to ask her advice. And do you
know what she told me?
He manages another shake of his head.
She told me that I had to dominate him, to show that I was in charge. She said
that I had to kneel down in front of him... Look him in the eye, and...
In one fluid movement she pulls him forward, and up from the bar, and onto her forehead
in a vicious head-butt.
... and butt him square in the face!
She lets go of the K'Klak, allowing him to fall onto the floor beyond the bar.
And do you want to know something? He never challenged me again.
The K'Klak hauls himself to his feet and staggers off towards the exit. Guinan turns and
smiles to herself.
INT. SICK BAY
Geordi is lying on the examination table, Beverly is looking at her tricorder.
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Well, it looks like you picked up some kind of virus when you visited Lavash.
GEORDI
But it was just a technical conference!
DOCTOR CRUSHER
It is possible to pick up viruses at technical conferences. You'd better stay in
your quarters - whatever it is, it looks very infectious.
She taps on her com-badge.
Doctor Crusher to Captain Picard!
INT. BRIDGE
Present are Captain Picard and Riker (sitting in their command seats), and Worf (at his station).
PICARD
Yes Beverly?
DOCTOR CRUSHER
I've just been examining Geordi. He seems to be suffering from some kind of
virus.
Riker and Worf hear the comment and begin to listen intently.
PICARD
That would explain his erratic behaviour. Is there any risk of the virus
spreading?
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Considerable, I'm afraid.
Riker and Worf begin to look concerned.
PICARD
Beverly. What exactly are the effects of this virus?
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Some sickness, stomach cramps... and extensive diarrhoea.
PICARD
Doctor Crusher! This is the twenty-fourth century! Are you really asking me
to believe that we are all about to go down with the galloping trots.
Riker and Worf are now exchanging worried glances.
INT. SICKBAY
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Yes!
INT. BRIDGE
RIKER
Red alert!
WORF
Arming photon torpedos!
PICARD
Belay that order! Disarm photon torpedos!
He strides across the bridge.
I'm afraid gentleman, that the power of this starship will not help us now.
He turns.
Mr Riker! I want a meeting of all senior officers, in my ready room, in thirty
minutes.
RIKER
(Haltingly)
Do we really want Mr LaForge present..? If he's, you know..?
PICARD
(Nodding, slowly at first, then more enthusiastically)
Ask one of his senior officers to attend.
INT. READY ROOM
Present are Captain Picard, Doctor Crusher, Riker, Worf, and Deanna Troy. Beverly finishes
explaining a complicated viral diagram on the wall screen and sits down. Riker shakes his
head, as though waking up at the end of a boring school lesson.
PICARD
Thank you Beverly. So, that's the situation everyone.
He turns back to Doctor Crusher.
Beverly, how close are you to a medical solution?
DOCTOR CRUSHER
(Slightly flippantly)
I need to do a lot more research into how the virus operates before we can
even begin talking about a cure.
PICARD
If you continue then. Suggestions?
WORF
If the disease takes hold it might result in additional strain on waste facilities.
I can erect emergency sanitation units on decks three through fourteen.
PICARD
Make it so!
DEANNA
I think we should give some thought to the effect on morale. In all cultures,
learning to control bowel movements marks the progression from babyhood to
childhood. To lose that ability, in any way, could cause considerable emotional
confusion, and loss of self-esteem.
PICARD
That is a worrying possibility. It is vital that the crew continues to function. I
want you to monitor the morale situation very closely.
Deanna nods.
Picard turns to Riker.
Will! We must keep the ship going, however many people fall ill. I want you to
work out some emergency rosters.
RIKER
Consider it done.
PICARD
(Looking around)
Why isn't there anyone from engineering present?
RIKER
When I went down there the only person I could find was some retarded runt
called Peterson. He said that: (putting on a voice) "the black guy in charge had
got the shits, and everyone else had taken the opportunity to piss off and do
something more interesting!"
PICARD
Damn! I was hoping to keep the situation under wraps. Where's Commander
Data?
RIKER
You relieved him from duty, remember? Some kind of malfunction.
PICARD
You're right, I did. Leave him for the moment, but if the situation becomes
serious, recall him to duty.
RIKER
(mouthing to Worf)
This isn't serious?
EXT. THE ENTERPRISE SPEEDING THROUGH SPACE.
PICARD
Captain's Log - Stardate 3840941. It is two days now since Doctor Crusher's
discovery of the virus, and already over sixty percent of the crew are affected.
There is still no prospect of a cure.
INT. SICKBAY
The room is overflowing with sick crew members. Worf enters, walking slowly. He approaches
Crusher who is obviously tired and stressed.
WORF
Doctor Crusher. There is a very unpleasant smell in this surgery.
DOCTOR CRUSHER
(Still her usual flippant voice, but with an angry edge)
It's the smell of people shitting themselves Worf!
WORF
Yes. Of course. I could have some high-powered air-freshener dispensing units
installed?
DOCTOR CRUSHER
That will not be necessary.
He remains standing before her.
Was there something else Worf?
WORF
It is hard for me to say this Doctor. I seem to be afflicted with the same
condition as these, other... people.
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Worf! If you've caught the virus, why don't you just say so? There's no shame.
WORF
Doctor Crusher, you do not understand. A Klingon warrior does not come
down with... the runs.
There is a squelching sound from his trousers.
DOCTOR CRUSHER
Well this one does!
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE DATA'S QUARTERS
Outside are Riker and a female ensign from engineering. They ring the entry pad.
DATA
(From the speaker)
Yes?
RIKER
Data! Can we come in?
DATA
I am currently engaged in some experimentation. Perhaps you could return
later.
RIKER
Data. It's urgent that we see you immediately.
The door opens, and the two enter. Inside, Data is lying face-down upon a mat, naked
from the waist down. A cucumber protrudes from his anus.
Riker is disgusted.
Data! What the hell are you doing?
DATA
As I said Commander. I am engaged in experimentation.
RIKER
(Still disgusted)
Experimentation?
DATA
Yes Commander. I have been wondering whether I should get myself a sexual
orientation.
RIKER
Sexual orientation? But that's something you have, not something you get.
DATA
For you maybe, Commander. But then you were born human.
RIKER
(Now more horrified fascination)
But why the cucumber?
DATA
I initially assumed that I would have been created with a heterosexual
orientation, since I have been created as standard in all other respects. I
decided that the best way to verify this hypothesis was to attempt to have
sexual intercourse with a woman. Councillor Troi kindly volunteered.
RIKER
(Surprised)
You did it with Deanna?
DATA
You pre-empt my explanation Commander.
He thinks for a moment.
Are you perturbed at the thought of Councillor Troi and myself having sexual
intercourse?
RIKER
(Clearly perturbed)
No! Not at all.
The female ensign smirks behind his back.
DATA
To continue: I attempted to have sexual intercourse with Councillor Troi.
ENSIGN
(Breaking in)
Commander. Most women prefer it if you say "making love."
DATA
Ensign, I am an android and cannot feel emotion. Since love is an emotion, I
cannot therefore feel love, or make it. I will continue to use my previous
terminology.
RIKER
You say that you attempted to have sex.
DATA
I failed.
RIKER
(Smirking slightly)
It happens sometimes.
DATA
Has it ever happened to you?
RIKER
(Angrily)
Of course not! Anyway, why the cucumber?
DATA
I reasoned that if I had failed to have successful sexual intercourse with a
women, then perhaps I had been created homosexual. Before I redirected my
experimentation in that direction, I needed to determine if my structure was
capable of receiving a male member. I therefore instructed the replicator to
produce a cucumber of approximately the correct dimensions.
He reaches down and slowly pulls the cucumber free. This takes several seconds.
Do you think it is big enough?
Riker retreats toward the door, pulling the girl with him.
RIKER
We'll talk later. When you're not so... busy.
INT. THE CORRIDOR OUTSIDE DATA'S QUARTERS
Riker turns to her and grasps her arm.
RIKER
Could I have a quick word, Ensign...
ENSIGN
Reeves, sir. Ensign Susan Reeves.
RIKER
(smiling broadly)
Susan! Can I call you Sue?
REEVES
(coldly)
You did when we made love last month.
RIKER
We made... Of course!
(puts on a hopeful smile)
Sue...! I knew I'd seen you somewhere before!
REEVES
Of course you've seen me before Commander, I've served on this ship for
almost four years. I also served a six month attachment as your personal aide,
remember? That's where you picked me up.
RIKER
Sue! Just kidding! Anyway, you do realise that it is vital - for the ship – that
Commander Data is restored to full operation?
REEVES
I do.
RIKER
Well perhaps you might be able to help him.
REEVES
How?
RIKER
By helping him work this thing through.
REEVES
(Confused)
How?
RIKER
(Impatiently)
By fucking his brains out!
She slaps his face.
REEVES
What sort of girl do you think I am?
RIKER
A loyal Star Fleet officer, that's what!
(He puts on a broad smile)
Look, Sue... Could you do it for me? For old times sake.
REEVES
(Coldly)
I will. Sir!
She re-enters Data's cabin.
INT. BRIDGE
Present are Captain Picard and Riker.
PICARD
Did you have a chance to speak to Commander Data?
RIKER
Yes. A couple of hours ago.
PICARD
And was anything revealed?
RIKER
(Looking away, then speaking dryly)
In a manner of speaking.
PICARD
But he still wishes to remain relieved of all duties?
RIKER
He does.
PICARD
Damn! Will, we must have him back. The situation on the ship is becoming
critical. Doctor Crusher informs me that over seventy percent of the crew have
become affected with the virus, we can't go at any speed above warp three
because engineering is deserted, and my last communication with Councillor
Troi was "oh no, it's all over the duvet!"
RIKER
Perhaps I ought to go and see how she is?
He thinks for a moment.
On seconds thoughts, perhaps not.
PICARD
And on top of that, the acting chief of security informs me that the robot floor
scrubbers are becoming overloaded. The stench has become so bad that we've
had to evacuate two of the habitation decks.
RIKER
I didn't realise things had got that bad.
PICARD
(Under his breath)
You never do.
The turbo-lift doors slide open, and Lieutenant Commander Data enters.
DATA
Captain Picard. I am now satisfied that I am not suffering from any
malfunction, and ask that you restore me to duty.
PICARD
Gladly, Mr Data, gladly. You have completed your diagnostics?
DATA
Yes Captain. Ensign Reeves of engineering was kind enough to help me
perform the necessary tests.
PICARD
And you're completely satisfied that you have performed enough tests?
DATA
I am Captain. Ensign Reeves and myself completed thirteen tests in all.
RIKER
(Raising an eyebrow)
Thirteen?
DATA
Yes Commander. Six on the bed, four on the rug, two in the shower-unit, and
one on the wash-basin... That final test was Ensign Reeves' idea.
PICARD
Where is Ensign Reeves? I would like to commend her for assisting you.
DATA
I believe she is in her quarters, sir. She said that she needed a period of rest.
PICARD
They must have been very stressful tests?
DATA
I think you misunderstand, Captain. The tests consisted of-----
RIKER
(Interrupting)
I don't think the Captain needs to know the precise details of the tests, Mr
Data.
PICARD
You're right Mr Riker, we mustn't waste time. Mr Data, I have an urgent
investigation for you to carry out.
DATA
Investigation, Captain?
PICARD
Yes Mr Data. Ambassador K'lpprs has informed me that a number of his aides
were dragged from their quarters by masked men, taken to Cargo Bay 3, and
brutally assaulted.
DATA
And he is upset?
PICARD
Of course he's bloody well upset!
(raises a hand)
I apologise Mr Data, we'll all feeling a little stressed.
DATA
No apology is necessary, Captain. I quite understand that the imminent
possibility of your underpants exploding is liable to impair your social and
communicational skills.
PICARD
Yes... Anyway Mr Data. I would like you to investigate this assault and find the
culprits.
DATA
Certainly sir.
He turns and leaves the bridge.
RIKER
Is this investigation really necessary, Captain?
PICARD
Why do you ask Number One?
RIKER
No reason!
PICARD
Will! I want you to take personal charge of Engineering. Find out where the
hell they are -those that haven't got the virus that is - and get them back to
work!
RIKER
I'll get to it.
EXT. ENTERPRISE SPEEDING THROUGH SPACE
PICARD
Captain's log - stardate 3840942. The situation is now critical, with over
eighty percent of the crew suffering from the virus and most of the rest
refusing to have anything to do with the sick. Since I myself am now suffering,
I have called a meeting of the senior officers in my personal quarters.
INT. PICARDS PERSONAL QUARTERS
Riker enters, holding a can of air freshener, which he holds out toward Picard.
RIKER
Do you mind... Captain?
PICARD
Not at all, Number One.
Riker begins to liberally spray the air, then advances on the bed, sniffs
the area, lifts up the edge of the duvet, and sprays under it for several
seconds.
PICARD
Is that really necessary Mr Riker?
RIKER
(Trying not to gag)
I'm afraid it is sir.
The door opens and Data and Doctor Crusher enter.
PICARD
I suggest we proceed.
THE OTHERS
(Desperately trying not to be sick)
Please!
PICARD
Doctor Crusher! Have you had any success finding a cure?
DOCTOR CRUSHER
I've had some promising results, but I'm still some way from a cure.
PICARD
Keep at it! Mr Riker. What's happening in Engineering?
RIKER
We've managed to stabilise the situation, sir. I've scraped up a scratch team,
and placed Ensign Reeves in command.
PICARD
Ensign Reeves? Isn't she a little inexperienced for such a post?
RIKER
I've found her very impressive sir.
DATA
I too sir.
PICARD
Well I'll leave the matter to your judgement gentleman. Are there any acute
problems on the engineering front?
RIKER
We're experiencing a build up of methane in the air supply.
DATA
It may be possible to boost the efficiency of the filters.
PICARD
Make it so! How are your investigations proceeding?
DATA
Very well sir. I believe I have identified the attackers.
Riker looks uneasily towards the doorway.
PICARD
Well, who are they?
DATA
They are members of the crew sir; to be precise: the security department.
Riker stiffles a cough.
PICARD
Security? Are you sure?
DATA
I am sir.
PICARD
But it seems so unlikely.
DATA
It was in fact a simple process of deduction. I followed Sherlock Holmes's
maxim that once one has eliminated the impossible, whatever remains,
however unlikely, must be the truth.
He begins to pace up and down the room and puts on a silly voice.
Including the Ambassador, there are twenty two K'Klak on board. Fourteen of
them were assaulted, by six masked men. My initial research, amongst the
crew, led me to believe that the assault was most likely committed by their
own kind----
PICARD
Why?
DATA
Because of the comments of the crew. Some of the facts that I was given were:
"They're all a bunch of murdering bastards!" "The only good K'Klak is one with
a ten-foot spike impaled through his chest," and "did you hear about the K'Klak
who saw his wife give birth ----
PICARD
I think we get the feel of the comments, Mr Data.
DATA
Certainly sir. I also consulted another source of information, which indicated
that the K'Klak were a violent, homicidal species.
PICARD
I find that hard to believe, Mr Data. What was the source of that information?
DATA
The Daily Galaxy Bumper Book of Really Incredible Facts, Captain. Because of
this information, I investigated the possibility that the assault was actually
factional in-fighting. However, I soon rejected this hypothesis.
RIKER
(Worried)
Why?
DATA
As I have said, there are twenty-two K'Klak on board, fourteen of whom were
assaulted. If the six men who formed the assaulting team were also of that
species then they would have to be drawn from the remaining eight K'Klak.
However, of those eight K'Klak, two are elderly and in poor health, and four
are well into middle-age and in poor physical condition.
Since the six men who assaulted them were in superb physical shape, they
could not have been K'Klak. They must therefore have been drawn from the
crew.
PICARD
I see. But why security?
DATA
The six persons were superbly fit, highly skilled in unarmed combat, and
worked well together as a team. My next thought, therefore, was that they
might be members of one of the team martial arts groups. However, when I
checked through the crew rosters of that night, none of these groups had at
least six members off-duty.
I reasoned therefore that those performing the assault must have received
their training as a group as as part of their work, not as an off-duty activity.
PICARD
(Shaking his head)
Security...
DATA
Yes Captain. I then compared the body descriptions given by the K'Klak with
the dimensions of Lieutenant Worf and his five senior officers. The computer
reports a ninety-three point seven percent probability that they are the
persons responsible for the assault.
PICARD
I see.
He looks up.
If he is not too ill, could you ask Lieutenant Worf to report to me?
DATA
I am afraid that will not be possible, Captain. Lieutenant Worf committed ritual
suicide six hours and thirty seven minutes ago.
PICARD
(Shocked)
Ritual suicide?
DATA
Yes Captain. Apparently the shame of his illness was too much to bear.
RIKER
(Shocked)
Shit! Fuck!
DOCTOR CRUSHER
He can't...
She breaks down in tears.
PICARD
Beverly - please!
To be finished... sometime.Tags: star trek
That Way This Way 
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