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A Little Star Trek Fan Fiction... Possibly Not Serious - Planet Jonny
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jonnynexus
A Little Star Trek Fan Fiction... Possibly Not Serious
Poking around a CD backup of an old PC of mine from September '98 I found the following half-finished script, which was dated December '95.

Here it is, reformatted, but otherwise left largely "as was":

To Boldly Screw...


EXT. ENTERPRISE: IN ORBIT OVER AN ATTRACTIVE LOOKING PLANET

                    PICARD
          Captain's log - stardate 3840937. The Enterprise is currently in orbit around
          the resort world of Lavash, to pick up Federation Ambassador Fu' Klakla
          K'lpprs. We are also undergoing holo-deck improvements by that world's leisure
          experts. Meanwhile, several of the crew have taken advantage of the
          opportunity to visit this legendary world.

INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM

The transporter chief is beaming someone aboard. He mutters in concern, and
seems to have to do a lot more tapping on the console than usual. Finally, the air
shimmers and Commander Riker materialises.

                    TRANSPORTER CHIEF
          Good trip Commander?

                    RIKER
          Those Lavashian women...

He shakes his head and smiles

          A days leave with them and you're...

He begins to walk unsteadily from the room.

                    TRANSPORTER CHIEF
          Commander!

                    RIKER
                    (Pasting a hopeful smile on his face)
          Chief?

                    TRANSPORTER CHIEF
          I had a little trouble with the bio-filters when I was beaming you up. Seems you
          picked up some mutant strain of Lavashian Crabs. 

                    RIKER
                    (Worried)
          Were you able to screen them out?

                    TRANSPORTER CHIEF
          I think so. But you'd better see Doctor Crusher to make sure.

                    RIKER
          Okay.

He pauses.

          Uh, Chief?

                    TRANSPORTER CHIEF
          Yes, Commander?

                    RIKER
          You er, won't mention this to anyone will you?

                    TRANSPORTER CHIEF
          Of course not Commander.

Riker leaves the room. The Transporter Chief raises his eyes to the ceiling, then
returns to his console to beam the next crewman on board. Again the air shimmers,
this time as Geordi LaForge returns.

                    TRANSPORTER CHIEF
          Good trip Commander?

                    GEORDI
          Incredible! I found this seminar on the use of bio-feedback induction phase
          inverting transformers in the creation and maintenance of pseudo-quasitronic
          wave forms, in order to achieve higher ratios of bio-quasitronic transformation
          when we activate any of the Enterprise's primary or secondary systems!

                    TRANSPORTER CHIEF
          Whatever you say, Commander.

INT. TURBO LIFT

Occupied by Lieutenant Commander Data. There is the sound of the doors opening
and Captain Picard enters. The doors whoosh shut and the lift begins to move. They
stand in silence for a few seconds.

                    DATA
          Captain! I have been pursuing further research on human nature, and find
          myself in need of more information. Would you mind if I asked you a personal
          question?"

                    PICARD
          Of course not Mr Data. Ask away.

                    DATA
          Is sex an important part of your life? How often do you have sex? How many
          partners do you have at the moment? What is your sexual orientation? Have
          you ever engaged in perverse sexual practices such as bondage, sado
          -masochism, anal intercourse -----

Picard interrupts, spluttering.

                    PICARD
          Mr Data!

                    DATA
          I am sorry Captain. Have I offended you?

                    PICARD
          Computer! Halt.

He thinks for a moment.

          Mr Data.

                    DATA
          Captain?

                    PICARD
          You must understand that sexual matters...

He is obviously embarrassed.

          ...to human beings... sexual matters are very private, intimate.

                    DATA
                    (consulting his internal database)
          Intimate! Closely acquainted; familiar; closely personal; close; have had, or are
          having sexual relations.

          I see! Are you embarrassed Captain?

                    PICARD
          No, no! Not at all... Yes. Why do you wish to know this information?

                    DATA
          In my observations on human behaviour it has become apparent to me that a
          large portion of human activity and thought is devoted either to performing or
          thinking about sexual activity. To state two examples: Commander Riker
          spends most of his off-duty hours engaged in sexual activity ----

                    PICARD
          Data - how do you know that?

                    DATA
          He told me, Captain.

                    PICARD
          He told you?

                    DATA
          Yes. Last night at Ten-Forward. Along with eighty-seven members of the crew,
          thirty-three minor dependants of the crew and twenty-two civilians, including
          Federation ----

                    PICARD
          ----- Including Federation Ambassador K'lpprs.

He looks angry.

          He told the whole bar? In God's name, why?

                    DATA
          I believe that he was intoxicated, Captain.

                    PICARD
          I see.

                    DATA
          And my second example is Lieutenant Commander LaForge. He appears to
          spend the majority of his off-duty hours thinking about sexual matters and
          attempting to devise a strategy that would enable him to actively participate.

                    PICARD
          And is he successful?

                    DATA
          No Captain, he is not. In the five years that I have known him, he has devised
          two-hundred and twenty-three custom holo-deck programs, one-hundred and
          fifty-six seduction lines, and sixty-three extensively planned dates. In all, he
          has approached twenty-one point six percent of all the females aged sixteen or
          over who have served on the Enterprise in that time.

                    PICARD
          And these strategies have not resulted in success?

                    DATA
          Apparently, the results so far are: first base reached seven times, second base
          reached three times, and third base reached once. Home base has not been
          reached.

                    PICARD
          What is home base?

                    DATA
          I do not know sir. That is why I am engaging in this research. So far, I have
          studied twenty-two thousand seven-hundred and ninety-one issues of women's
          magazines -----

                    PICARD
                    (interrupting)
          And have they clarified your confusion?

                    DATA
          No Captain. But I am now an expert in make-up, clothing and the moral and
          spiritual philosophies of over a thousand entertainment personalities. I have
          also studied the sexual habits and practices of over seven thousand intelligent
          life-forms.

He scans his internal memory.

          The Rintari of Rintar Five insert pine cones into their anal passages, whilst the
          female of the Jakala species eats her partners genitals after mating. Amongst
          Vulcans, sado-masochism is common, whilst----

                    PICARD
                    (Again interrupting)
          I think that's quite enough Mr Data!

                    DATA
          But Captain. I require more information.

                    PICARD
          I suggest you ask Commander Riker. This is more his department.

INT. SICKBAY

Riker is sitting casually on the examination table.

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Will! You really ought to think about changing your lifestyle!

                    RIKER
          Look Beverly! So I picked up a little dose of the crabs. If you're just give me a
          little something, I can get back to work.

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          It's not that simple.

She brings up his medical record on her computer terminal, and begins to read it out.

          Four previous cases of Lavashian Clap. Two previous cases of Vulcan Love Rot.
          Seven previous cases of Tellurian Syphilis. Three previous cases of Klingon
          Penile Rabies. More cases of gonorrhoea than Deanna's had lovers.

She scrolls down the list.

          Oh, and there was that thing you picked up off that tree on Senala 5.

                    RIKER
          Look! A lot of the crew were affected on that planet.

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          True. But Will, they all caught it off you!

She walks back over to him.

          I'd better give you an examination. Could you whip your pants off please.

Riker does so, slightly red-faced. Beverly begins to examine him.

          There's small traces of a substance under your foreskin.

                    RIKER
          Substance?

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Some sort of brown material. I'll just take a sample.

She takes out a vicious looking metallic instrument and scrapes off some of the
          substance.

                    RIKER
          Ouch!

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Don't be such a baby.

She walks over to the analysis unit, places the substance in it, and begins to analyse
it.

          It's some form of organic matter. Based around sugar compounds. Some traces
          of caffeine.

She thinks for a moment, then realises the answer.

          It's chocolate! Chocolate sauce!

                    RIKER
          Yeah, well... I had a date with Deanna last night.

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Oh. Well you ought to be more careful about your personal hygiene.

She picks up her syringe.

          I'll give you a basic shot of preventative agents. But next time, be more
          careful!

                    RIKER
          Yeah, course. Honest. No problem.

STAR TREK INTRO AND MUSIC PLAYS

EXT. SHOT OF ENTERPRISE HEADING THROUGH SPACE

                    PICARD
          Captains Log - stardate 3840939. The Enterprise is now two days out of
          Lavash, and apart from one minor diplomatic incident at Ten-Forward,
          shipboard life is calm. I only wish that my own state of mind was the same.
          This afternoon I had tea with Beverly... The woman is driving me mad. The
          way she just sits there, wearing that smug, knowing smile. The way she purrs
          “Jean-Luc” and boasts about the fact that she is the only person on the ship
          who can give me an order. Her hair. Her face. I just wanted to rip that uniform
          off her, tip her over my knee and give her a damn good...

          Still... At least I got that brat of hers transferred to the Academy and out of the
          way.

INT. CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM

The door whooshes open and Riker enters.

                    PICARD
          Will! You wished to see me?

                    RIKER
                    (Troubled)
          It's about the incident in Ten-Forward.

                    PICARD
          Ah yes. The slight problem between Ensign Rhodes and the Ambassador's aide.

                    RIKER
          It was more than a slight problem, Captain. Ensign Rhodes - and his group -
          simply asked the aide if he would like to join them for a drink.

                    PICARD
          Which in the K'Klak culture is one of the worst insults possible!

                    RIKER
          Rhodes didn't know that. And as our guests on this ship, they should be
          prepared to adapt to our culture. Couldn't you talk to the Ambassador?

                    PICARD
                    (Putting on his anguished voice)
          What would you have me ask? That they should throw away ten millennia of
          history and culture? The K'Klak are an ancient and honourable people.

                    RIKER
          Yes, but...

                    PICARD
          Will... Haven't you studied your history?

                    RIKER
          There was a girl in my history class... I was distracted.

                    PICARD
          The greatest injustices, the worst outrages, in human history - have all started
          when one culture was asked to adapt to another. The most important lesson
          that we have learned, is that we must always fully respect other people's
          cultures. And never ask them to adapt to ours.

                    RIKER
          So you're not going to talk to the Ambassador?

                    PICARD
          No. That would be an abuse of my position.

                    RIKER
          Captain! Ensign Rhodes is critical in sick-bay. Ten of the K'Klak dragged him
          into a Jeffries tube, kicked the living crap out of him, then dropped him down a
          turbo-shaft!

                    PICARD
          Will! If that is their culture, then we must respect it.

                    RIKER
                    (Grumpily)
          Captain.

He leaves the room, and walks across the bridge to Worf, who is standing at his
station.

                    RIKER
          I presume you've heard about the incident in Ten-Forward, Lieutenant?

                    WORF
          Yes Commander. Do you wish me to take action?

                    RIKER
          Well it's a bit difficult. The Captain does not wish any official action to be taken,
          since that would infringe on the Ambassador's status.

                    WORF
          No official action?

                    RIKER
          Exactly. But as the person responsible for the smooth-operations of this ship, I
          do feel that the K'Klak need to be persuaded not to do this sort of thing again.

                    WORF
                    (Snarling in ecstasy)
          Persuaded?

                    RIKER
          Yes. Perhaps if you took some of your boys down to their quarters, and...
          persuaded them.

                    WORF
                    (Nodding happily)
          It shall be done, Commander.

                    RIKER
          And Worf?

                    WORF
          Commander?

                    RIKER
          Could you be discrete about this?

                    WORF
          Of course Commander. I will take all necessary security measures.

The gleam of battle comes into his eyes.

          I will assemble a hand-picked team of my senior officers. And to ensure
          secrecy, we will take the K'Klak to one of the cargo bays and persuade them
          there.

                    RIKER
          Very good Lieutenant.

He walks to the turbo-lift and departs from the bridge. Captain Picard enters from
his ready-room and approaches the female Ensign on helm.

                    PICARD
          Is everything proceeding as planned?

                    ENSIGN
          We had to reduce speed slightly, but we are still on course to meet our E.T.A.

                    PICARD
          Why did we reduce speed?

                    ENSIGN
          We were advised by engineering. Apparently, the engines were approaching
          operational limits. Some sort of imbalance apparently. So we reduced speed by
          three point five percent.

Picard walks over to his seat, sits down and slaps his com-badge.

                    PICARD
          Engineering!

                    VOICE FROM ENGINEERING
          Yeah?

                    PICARD
          To whom am I speaking?

                    VOICE FROM ENGINEERING
          What the fuck's it to you man? Who are you, anyway?

                    PICARD
          This is your Captain, Jean-Luc Picard.

                    VOICE FROM ENGINEERING
          Shit! I mean - sorry, sir. This is Ensign Peterson, sir.

                    PICARD
                    (Speaking to Worf, who is clearly angered by the exchange)
          Lieutenant. Could you discipline Ensign Peterson at some point?

                    WORF
          Consider it done.

Picard reactivates the com-link.

                    PICARD
          Ensign Peterson. Why did you advise helm to reduce speed?

                    PETERSON
          The phase distortions within the dilithium crystals were approaching
          allowable operational tolerances.

                    PICARD
          Which means?

                    PETERSON
          Fucked if I... I mean that I'm not totally sure of the precise definition...

Picard turns off the channel and makes a noticeable attempt to gather his thoughts.

                    PICARD
                    (Opening the channel)
          And so you took it upon yourself to advise a reduction is speed.

                    PETERSON
          Look! I've been here two weeks. "Join Star Fleet and see the galaxy," they said.
          Then they dump me here, show me the crystals, and tell me: "For Christ's sake,
          don't let them get above five percent - if those mothers blow, we all fucking
          blow!"

                    PICARD
          Who is the senior officer on duty in Engineering?

                    PETERSON
          Sir?

                    PICARD
                    (Starting to get impatient)
          Are there any, more senior personnel in the engine room with you?

                    PETERSON
          Er... no sir.

                    PICARD
          Well where are they?

                    PETERSON
          There was some bloke around. He told me to keep an eye on things, and then
          he left.

                    PICARD
          Which officer was this?

                    PETERSON
          I don't know sir.

There is a pause.

                    (In a helpful voice)
          He was wearing a yellow uniform!

                    PICARD
                    (Losing it)
          You're all wearing yellow, bloody uniforms, Ensign!

He rolls his eyes to the ceiling.

          Ensign!

                    PETERSON
          Sir?

                    PICARD
          Carry on.

He stands up and takes a step forward.

          Computer! Where is Lieutenant Commander LaForge?

                    COMPUTER
          Lieutenant Commander LaForge is in Sanitary Area 5.

The female ensign on helm sniggers for a moment. Picard glares at her.

INT. SANITARY AREA

Geordi is sitting on the toilet. He is frantically pulling large amounts of toilet paper
out of the toilet paper replicator. His com-badge sounds.

                    PICARD
          Mr LaForge!

                    GEORDI
          Captain?

                    PICARD
          There appears to be no-one competent in engineering. Could you please sort it
          out? Immediately!

                    GEORDI
          I'm kindof busy right now Captain.

                    PICARD
          Immediately, Mr LaForge. I want those engines back to full power within thirty
          minutes.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE DEANNA TROY'S COUNSELLING ROOM

Data, who is hovering outside, is approached by a crewman.

                    CREWMAN
          Commander Data! Could I have a word?

                    DATA
          Just one word? Surely that will not suffice?

He scans his internal database.

          Ah! I see. You are using a colloquial saying to indicate that you actually wish to
          exchange many words with me - a conversation?

                    CREWMAN
          Er... Yes.

                    DATA
          Continue Lieutenant.

                    CREWMAN
          Well, it's about your cat.

                    DATA
          Spot?

                    CREWMAN
          Yes... The thing is, when my wife and I got up today, we found him in our
          quarters.

                    DATA
          I see! I will improve the anti-escape measures I have designed to contain him
          in my quarters. Is that all?

                    CREWMAN
          Well... no. You see, he was trying to hump my daughter's pet gerbil.

                    DATA
          Hump?

He scans his internal database his eyes flicking from side to side.

          Hump! Protuberance, especially on back; rounded raised mass of earth; hoist
          or carry; colloquialism, meaning to have sexual intercourse.

          I see. Spot was attempting to have sex with your gerbil.

                    CREWMAN
          My daughter was very upset.

                    DATA
          I will add a feminising substance to the replicator settings for his food.

                    CREWMAN
          Thank you sir.

The crewman walks away down the corridor. Data pauses for a moment, then
presses the entry-phone button by the door.

                    DEANNA
          Come in!

Data enters.

INT. DEANNA TROY'S COUNSELLING ROOM

                    DEANNA
          Data! How can I help you.

                    DATA
          It is a delicate matter, Councillor. I was hoping that you could aid me in some
          experiments I wish to perform.

INT. DEANNA'S BEDROOM

She and Data are in bed, lying side-by-side, apparently naked.

                    DEANNA
          Data don't worry... It happens to all men at some point in their life.

                    DATA
          Nevertheless, I must perform an immediate Level 3 diagnostic on my genital
          sub-structure. This could be an indication of a malfunction.

He picks up his com-badge from her bedside table, and presses it.

          Commander Data to Captain Picard!

INT. BRIDGE

                    PICARD
          Yes Commander?

                    DATA
          There is evidence that indicates that I may be suffering from some form of
          malfunction. Since I do not yet know what that malfunction is, I must
          recommend that you temporarily relieve me of my duties.

                    PICARD
          Could you inform me of what the malfunction is?

INT. DEANNA'S BEDROOM

                    DATA
          I would rather not Captain.

                    PICARD
          All right. You are temporarily removed from duty. But Mr Data?

                    DATA
          Yes.

                    PICARD
          Could you keep me appraised of your situation?

                    DATA
          I will sir.

INT. BRIDGE

                    PICARD
          And perhaps you ought to see Councillor Troy.

INT. SICKBAY

Geordi is walking in, very gingerly with straight legs.

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Hi Geordi! What's seems to be the problem?

                    GEORDI
          I've been feeling a bit funny, recently. And now it's starting to get in the way of
          my work.

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Funny? In what way?

INT. TEN-FORWARD

An alien in civilian clothing is sitting, unaccompanied at the bar. Guinan is standing
some way along the bar, with one of her barmen.

                    BARMAN
          He's one of the Ambassador's aides. You know - the K'Klaks!

                    GUINAN
          Really? I think we need a little talk.

She wonders along the bar.

          Would you like a drink?

He lunges at her, but she easily parries his attack and rams him down onto the bar, her
hands clamped around his neck.

          When I was a little girl, I used to have this most wonderful Garrashian attack
          tiger as a pet. He had this incredibly beautiful coat: sleek, glistening. But do
          you know what the problem with Garrashian tigers is?

He manages to shake his head, his face scraping on the bar.

          When they reach puberty, at about three years - they suddenly go psycho. And
          that's what happened to mine. He wouldn't do anything I ordered to him to. So
          do you know what I did?

He manages another shake of his head.

          I went to see my great-great-great-grandmother, to ask her advice. And do you
          know what she told me?

He manages another shake of his head.

          She told me that I had to dominate him, to show that I was in charge. She said
          that I had to kneel down in front of him... Look him in the eye, and...

In one fluid movement she pulls him forward, and up from the bar, and onto her forehead
in a vicious head-butt.

          ... and butt him square in the face!

She lets go of the K'Klak, allowing him to fall onto the floor beyond the bar.

          And do you want to know something? He never challenged me again.

The K'Klak hauls himself to his feet and staggers off towards the exit. Guinan turns and
smiles to herself.

INT. SICK BAY

Geordi is lying on the examination table, Beverly is looking at her tricorder.

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Well, it looks like you picked up some kind of virus when you visited Lavash.

                    GEORDI
          But it was just a technical conference!

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          It is possible to pick up viruses at technical conferences. You'd better stay in
          your quarters - whatever it is, it looks very infectious.

She taps on her com-badge.

          Doctor Crusher to Captain Picard!

INT. BRIDGE

Present are Captain Picard and Riker (sitting in their command seats), and Worf (at his station).

                    PICARD
          Yes Beverly?

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          I've just been examining Geordi. He seems to be suffering from some kind of
          virus.

Riker and Worf hear the comment and begin to listen intently.

                    PICARD
          That would explain his erratic behaviour. Is there any risk of the virus
          spreading?

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Considerable, I'm afraid.

Riker and Worf begin to look concerned.

                    PICARD
          Beverly. What exactly are the effects of this virus?

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Some sickness, stomach cramps... and extensive diarrhoea.

                    PICARD
          Doctor Crusher! This is the twenty-fourth century! Are you really asking me
          to believe that we are all about to go down with the galloping trots.

Riker and Worf are now exchanging worried glances.

INT. SICKBAY

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Yes!

INT. BRIDGE

                    RIKER
          Red alert!

                    WORF
          Arming photon torpedos!

                    PICARD
          Belay that order! Disarm photon torpedos!

He strides across the bridge.

          I'm afraid gentleman, that the power of this starship will not help us now.

He turns.

          Mr Riker! I want a meeting of all senior officers, in my ready room, in thirty
          minutes.

                    RIKER
                    (Haltingly)
          Do we really want Mr LaForge present..? If he's, you know..?

                    PICARD
          (Nodding, slowly at first, then more enthusiastically)
          Ask one of his senior officers to attend.

INT. READY ROOM

Present are Captain Picard, Doctor Crusher, Riker, Worf, and Deanna Troy. Beverly finishes
explaining a complicated viral diagram on the wall screen and sits down. Riker shakes his
head, as though waking up at the end of a boring school lesson.

                    PICARD
          Thank you Beverly. So, that's the situation everyone.

He turns back to Doctor Crusher.

          Beverly, how close are you to a medical solution?

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
                    (Slightly flippantly)
          I need to do a lot more research into how the virus operates before we can
          even begin talking about a cure.

                    PICARD
          If you continue then. Suggestions?

                    WORF
          If the disease takes hold it might result in additional strain on waste facilities.
          I can erect emergency sanitation units on decks three through fourteen.

                    PICARD
          Make it so!

                    DEANNA
          I think we should give some thought to the effect on morale. In all cultures,
          learning to control bowel movements marks the progression from babyhood to
          childhood. To lose that ability, in any way, could cause considerable emotional
          confusion, and loss of self-esteem.

                    PICARD
          That is a worrying possibility. It is vital that the crew continues to function. I
          want you to monitor the morale situation very closely.

Deanna nods.

Picard turns to Riker.

          Will! We must keep the ship going, however many people fall ill. I want you to
          work out some emergency rosters.

                    RIKER
          Consider it done.

                    PICARD
                    (Looking around)
          Why isn't there anyone from engineering present?

                    RIKER
          When I went down there the only person I could find was some retarded runt
          called Peterson. He said that: (putting on a voice) "the black guy in charge had
          got the shits, and everyone else had taken the opportunity to piss off and do
          something more interesting!"

                    PICARD
          Damn! I was hoping to keep the situation under wraps. Where's Commander
          Data?

                    RIKER
          You relieved him from duty, remember? Some kind of malfunction.

                    PICARD
          You're right, I did. Leave him for the moment, but if the situation becomes
          serious, recall him to duty.

                    RIKER
                    (mouthing to Worf)
          This isn't serious?

EXT. THE ENTERPRISE SPEEDING THROUGH SPACE.

                    PICARD
          Captain's Log - Stardate 3840941. It is two days now since Doctor Crusher's
          discovery of the virus, and already over sixty percent of the crew are affected. 

          There is still no prospect of a cure.

INT. SICKBAY

The room is overflowing with sick crew members. Worf enters, walking slowly. He approaches
Crusher who is obviously tired and stressed.

                    WORF
          Doctor Crusher. There is a very unpleasant smell in this surgery.

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
                    (Still her usual flippant voice, but with an angry edge)
          It's the smell of people shitting themselves Worf!

                    WORF
          Yes. Of course. I could have some high-powered air-freshener dispensing units
          installed?

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          That will not be necessary.

He remains standing before her.

          Was there something else Worf?

                    WORF
          It is hard for me to say this Doctor. I seem to be afflicted with the same
          condition as these, other... people.

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Worf! If you've caught the virus, why don't you just say so? There's no shame.

                    WORF
          Doctor Crusher, you do not understand. A Klingon warrior does not come
          down with... the runs.

There is a squelching sound from his trousers.

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          Well this one does!

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE DATA'S QUARTERS

Outside are Riker and a female ensign from engineering. They ring the entry pad.

                    DATA
                    (From the speaker)
          Yes?

                    RIKER
          Data! Can we come in?

                    DATA
          I am currently engaged in some experimentation. Perhaps you could return
          later.

                    RIKER
          Data. It's urgent that we see you immediately.

The door opens, and the two enter. Inside, Data is lying face-down upon a mat, naked
from the waist down. A cucumber protrudes from his anus.

Riker is disgusted.

          Data! What the hell are you doing?

                    DATA
          As I said Commander. I am engaged in experimentation.

                    RIKER
                    (Still disgusted)
          Experimentation?

                    DATA
          Yes Commander. I have been wondering whether I should get myself a sexual
          orientation.

                    RIKER
          Sexual orientation? But that's something you have, not something you get.

                    DATA
          For you maybe, Commander. But then you were born human.

                    RIKER
                    (Now more horrified fascination)
          But why the cucumber?

                    DATA
          I initially assumed that I would have been created with a heterosexual
          orientation, since I have been created as standard in all other respects. I
          decided that the best way to verify this hypothesis was to attempt to have
          sexual intercourse with a woman. Councillor Troi kindly volunteered.

                    RIKER
                    (Surprised)
          You did it with Deanna?

                    DATA
          You pre-empt my explanation Commander.

He thinks for a moment.

          Are you perturbed at the thought of Councillor Troi and myself having sexual
          intercourse?

                    RIKER
                    (Clearly perturbed)
          No! Not at all.

The female ensign smirks behind his back.

                    DATA
          To continue: I attempted to have sexual intercourse with Councillor Troi.

                    ENSIGN
                    (Breaking in)
          Commander. Most women prefer it if you say "making love."

                    DATA
          Ensign, I am an android and cannot feel emotion. Since love is an emotion, I
          cannot therefore feel love, or make it. I will continue to use my previous
          terminology.

                    RIKER
          You say that you attempted to have sex.

                    DATA
          I failed.

                    RIKER
          (Smirking slightly)
          It happens sometimes.

                    DATA
          Has it ever happened to you?

                    RIKER
                    (Angrily)
          Of course not! Anyway, why the cucumber?

                    DATA
          I reasoned that if I had failed to have successful sexual intercourse with a
          women, then perhaps I had been created homosexual. Before I redirected my
          experimentation in that direction, I needed to determine if my structure was
          capable of receiving a male member. I therefore instructed the replicator to
          produce a cucumber of approximately the correct dimensions.

He reaches down and slowly pulls the cucumber free. This takes several seconds.

          Do you think it is big enough?

Riker retreats toward the door, pulling the girl with him.

                    RIKER
          We'll talk later. When you're not so... busy.

INT. THE CORRIDOR OUTSIDE DATA'S QUARTERS

Riker turns to her and grasps her arm.

                    RIKER
          Could I have a quick word, Ensign...

                    ENSIGN
          Reeves, sir. Ensign Susan Reeves.

                    RIKER
                    (smiling broadly)
          Susan! Can I call you Sue?

                    REEVES
                    (coldly)
          You did when we made love last month.

                    RIKER
          We made... Of course!
                    (puts on a hopeful smile)
          Sue...! I knew I'd seen you somewhere before!

                    REEVES
          Of course you've seen me before Commander, I've served on this ship for
          almost four years. I also served a six month attachment as your personal aide,
          remember? That's where you picked me up.

                    RIKER
          Sue! Just kidding! Anyway, you do realise that it is vital - for the ship – that
          Commander Data is restored to full operation?

                    REEVES
          I do.

                    RIKER
          Well perhaps you might be able to help him.

                    REEVES
          How?

                    RIKER
          By helping him work this thing through.

                    REEVES
                    (Confused)
          How?

                    RIKER
                    (Impatiently)
          By fucking his brains out!

She slaps his face.

                    REEVES
          What sort of girl do you think I am?

                    RIKER
          A loyal Star Fleet officer, that's what!
                    (He puts on a broad smile)
          Look, Sue... Could you do it for me? For old times sake.

                    REEVES
                    (Coldly)
          I will. Sir!

She re-enters Data's cabin.

INT. BRIDGE

Present are Captain Picard and Riker.

                    PICARD
          Did you have a chance to speak to Commander Data?

                    RIKER
          Yes. A couple of hours ago.

                    PICARD
          And was anything revealed?

                    RIKER
                    (Looking away, then speaking dryly)
          In a manner of speaking.

                    PICARD
          But he still wishes to remain  relieved of all duties?

                    RIKER
          He does.

                    PICARD
          Damn! Will, we must have him back. The situation on the ship is becoming
          critical. Doctor Crusher informs me that over seventy percent of the crew have
          become affected with the virus, we can't go at any speed above warp three
          because engineering is deserted, and my last communication with Councillor
          Troi was "oh no, it's all over the duvet!"

                    RIKER
          Perhaps I ought to go and see how she is?

He thinks for a moment.

          On seconds thoughts, perhaps not.

                    PICARD
          And on top of that, the acting chief of security informs me that the robot floor
          scrubbers are becoming overloaded. The stench has become so bad that we've
          had to evacuate two of the habitation decks.

                    RIKER
          I didn't realise things had got that bad.

                    PICARD
                    (Under his breath)
          You never do.

The turbo-lift doors slide open, and Lieutenant Commander Data enters.

                    DATA
          Captain Picard. I am now satisfied that I am not suffering from any
          malfunction, and ask that you restore me to duty.

                    PICARD
          Gladly, Mr Data, gladly. You have completed your diagnostics?

                    DATA
          Yes Captain. Ensign Reeves of engineering was kind enough to help me
          perform the necessary tests.

                    PICARD
          And you're completely satisfied that you have performed enough tests?

                    DATA
          I am Captain. Ensign Reeves and myself completed thirteen tests in all.

                    RIKER
                    (Raising an eyebrow)
          Thirteen?

                    DATA
          Yes Commander. Six on the bed, four on the rug, two in the shower-unit, and
          one on the wash-basin... That final test was Ensign Reeves' idea.

                    PICARD
          Where is Ensign Reeves? I would like to commend her for assisting you.

                    DATA
          I believe she is in her quarters, sir. She said that she needed a period of rest.

                    PICARD
          They must have been very stressful tests?

                    DATA
          I think you misunderstand, Captain. The tests consisted of-----

                    RIKER
                    (Interrupting)
          I don't think the Captain needs to know the precise details of the tests, Mr
          Data.

                    PICARD
          You're right Mr Riker, we mustn't waste time. Mr Data, I have an urgent
          investigation for you to carry out.

                    DATA
          Investigation, Captain?

                    PICARD
          Yes Mr Data. Ambassador K'lpprs has informed me that a number of his aides
          were dragged from their quarters by masked men, taken to Cargo Bay 3, and
          brutally assaulted.

                    DATA
          And he is upset?

                    PICARD
          Of course he's bloody well upset!
                    (raises a hand)
          I apologise Mr Data, we'll all feeling a little stressed.

                    DATA
          No apology is necessary, Captain. I quite understand that the imminent
          possibility of your underpants exploding is liable to impair your social and
          communicational skills.

                    PICARD
          Yes... Anyway Mr Data. I would like you to investigate this assault and find the
          culprits.

                    DATA
          Certainly sir.

He turns and leaves the bridge.

                    RIKER
          Is this investigation really necessary, Captain?

                    PICARD
          Why do you ask Number One?

                    RIKER
          No reason!

                    PICARD
          Will! I want you to take personal charge of Engineering. Find out where the
          hell they are -those that haven't got the virus that is - and get them back to
          work!

                    RIKER
          I'll get to it.

EXT. ENTERPRISE SPEEDING THROUGH SPACE

                    PICARD
          Captain's log - stardate 3840942. The situation is now critical, with over
          eighty percent of the crew suffering from the virus and most of the rest
          refusing to have anything to do with the sick. Since I myself am now suffering,
          I have called a meeting of the senior officers in my personal quarters.

INT. PICARDS PERSONAL QUARTERS

Riker enters, holding a can of air freshener, which he holds out toward Picard.

                    RIKER
          Do you mind... Captain?

                    PICARD
          Not at all, Number One.

Riker begins to liberally spray the air, then advances on the bed, sniffs
the area, lifts up the edge of the duvet, and sprays under it for several
seconds.

                    PICARD
          Is that really necessary Mr Riker?

                    RIKER
                    (Trying not to gag)
          I'm afraid it is sir.

The door opens and Data and Doctor Crusher enter.

                    PICARD
          I suggest we proceed.

                    THE OTHERS
                    (Desperately trying not to be sick)
          Please!

                    PICARD
          Doctor Crusher! Have you had any success finding a cure?

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          I've had some promising results, but I'm still some way from a cure.

                    PICARD
          Keep at it! Mr Riker. What's happening in Engineering?

                    RIKER
          We've managed to stabilise the situation, sir. I've scraped up a scratch team,
          and placed Ensign Reeves in command.

                    PICARD
          Ensign Reeves? Isn't she a little inexperienced for such a post?

                    RIKER
          I've found her very impressive sir.

                    DATA
          I too sir.

                    PICARD
          Well I'll leave the matter to your judgement gentleman. Are there any acute
          problems on the engineering front?

                    RIKER
          We're experiencing a build up of methane in the air supply.

                    DATA
          It may be possible to boost the efficiency of the filters.

                    PICARD
          Make it so! How are your investigations proceeding?

                    DATA
          Very well sir. I believe I have identified the attackers.

Riker looks uneasily towards the doorway.

                    PICARD
          Well, who are they?

                    DATA
          They are members of the crew sir; to be precise: the security department.

Riker stiffles a cough.

                    PICARD
          Security? Are you sure?

                    DATA
          I am sir.

                    PICARD
          But it seems so unlikely.

                    DATA
          It was in fact a simple process of deduction. I followed Sherlock Holmes's
          maxim that once one has eliminated the impossible, whatever remains,
          however unlikely, must be the truth.

He begins to pace up and down the room and puts on a silly voice.

          Including the Ambassador, there are twenty two K'Klak on board. Fourteen of
          them were assaulted, by six masked men. My initial research, amongst the
          crew, led me to believe that the assault was most likely committed by their
          own kind----

                    PICARD
          Why?

                    DATA
          Because of the comments of the crew. Some of the facts that I was given were:
          "They're all a bunch of murdering bastards!" "The only good K'Klak is one with
          a ten-foot spike impaled through his chest," and "did you hear about the K'Klak
          who saw his wife give birth ----

                    PICARD
          I think we get the feel of the comments, Mr Data.

                    DATA
          Certainly sir. I also consulted another source of information, which indicated
          that the K'Klak were a violent, homicidal species.

                    PICARD
          I find that hard to believe, Mr Data. What was the source of that information?

                    DATA
          The Daily Galaxy Bumper Book of Really Incredible Facts, Captain. Because of
          this information, I investigated the possibility that the assault was actually
          factional in-fighting. However, I soon rejected this hypothesis.

                    RIKER
                    (Worried)
          Why?

                    DATA
          As I have said, there are twenty-two K'Klak on board, fourteen of whom were
          assaulted. If the six men who formed the assaulting team were also of that
          species then they would have to be drawn from the remaining eight K'Klak.
          However, of those eight K'Klak, two are elderly and in poor health, and four
          are well into middle-age and in poor physical condition.

          Since the six men who assaulted them were in superb physical shape, they
          could not have been K'Klak. They must therefore have been drawn from the
          crew.

                    PICARD
          I see. But why security?

                    DATA
          The six persons were superbly fit, highly skilled in unarmed combat, and
          worked well together as a team. My next thought, therefore, was that they
          might be members of one of the team martial arts groups. However, when I
          checked through the crew rosters of that night, none of these groups had at
          least six members off-duty.

          I reasoned therefore that those performing the assault must have received
          their training as a group as as part of their work, not as an off-duty activity.

                    PICARD
                    (Shaking his head)
          Security...

                    DATA
          Yes Captain. I then compared the body descriptions given by the K'Klak with
          the dimensions of Lieutenant Worf and his five senior officers. The computer
          reports a ninety-three point seven percent probability that they are the
          persons responsible for the assault.

                    PICARD
          I see.

He looks up.

          If he is not too ill, could you ask Lieutenant Worf to report to me?

                    DATA
          I am afraid that will not be possible, Captain. Lieutenant Worf committed ritual
          suicide six hours and thirty seven minutes ago.

                    PICARD
                    (Shocked)
          Ritual suicide?

                    DATA
          Yes Captain. Apparently the shame of his illness was too much to bear.

                    RIKER
                    (Shocked)
          Shit! Fuck!

                    DOCTOR CRUSHER
          He can't...

She breaks down in tears.

                    PICARD
          Beverly - please!




To be finished... sometime.

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Comments
samvail From: samvail Date: February 25th, 2009 10:54 am (UTC) (Link)
" Fu' Klakla K'lpprs"???

Looks better written than it sounds out loud.
ash1977law From: ash1977law Date: February 25th, 2009 01:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
Brilliant!
From: (Anonymous) Date: February 8th, 2014 06:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
Me and my boyfriend found this the other night and I read it out loud, and tried to do all the voices! we were laughing so hard. It's really great! loved it so much, we were smiling about it the next day. Have you written anymore?
jonnynexus From: jonnynexus Date: February 9th, 2014 02:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
I haven't, no sorry. I posted it here and got almost no reaction. I was a bit disappointed actually! So it's *very* cool to hear that you do like it. If you're looking for something that I'm writing now, you might like this:

http://www.wattpad.com/story/11452013-selene
4 thoughts or Leave a thought