Here it is, reformatted, but otherwise left largely "as was":
EXT. ENTERPRISE: IN ORBIT OVER AN ATTRACTIVE LOOKING PLANET PICARD Captain's log - stardate 3840937. The Enterprise is currently in orbit around the resort world of Lavash, to pick up Federation Ambassador Fu' Klakla K'lpprs. We are also undergoing holo-deck improvements by that world's leisure experts. Meanwhile, several of the crew have taken advantage of the opportunity to visit this legendary world. INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM The transporter chief is beaming someone aboard. He mutters in concern, and seems to have to do a lot more tapping on the console than usual. Finally, the air shimmers and Commander Riker materialises. TRANSPORTER CHIEF Good trip Commander? RIKER Those Lavashian women... He shakes his head and smiles A days leave with them and you're... He begins to walk unsteadily from the room. TRANSPORTER CHIEF Commander! RIKER (Pasting a hopeful smile on his face) Chief? TRANSPORTER CHIEF I had a little trouble with the bio-filters when I was beaming you up. Seems you picked up some mutant strain of Lavashian Crabs. RIKER (Worried) Were you able to screen them out? TRANSPORTER CHIEF I think so. But you'd better see Doctor Crusher to make sure. RIKER Okay. He pauses. Uh, Chief? TRANSPORTER CHIEF Yes, Commander? RIKER You er, won't mention this to anyone will you? TRANSPORTER CHIEF Of course not Commander. Riker leaves the room. The Transporter Chief raises his eyes to the ceiling, then returns to his console to beam the next crewman on board. Again the air shimmers, this time as Geordi LaForge returns. TRANSPORTER CHIEF Good trip Commander? GEORDI Incredible! I found this seminar on the use of bio-feedback induction phase inverting transformers in the creation and maintenance of pseudo-quasitronic wave forms, in order to achieve higher ratios of bio-quasitronic transformation when we activate any of the Enterprise's primary or secondary systems! TRANSPORTER CHIEF Whatever you say, Commander. INT. TURBO LIFT Occupied by Lieutenant Commander Data. There is the sound of the doors opening and Captain Picard enters. The doors whoosh shut and the lift begins to move. They stand in silence for a few seconds. DATA Captain! I have been pursuing further research on human nature, and find myself in need of more information. Would you mind if I asked you a personal question?" PICARD Of course not Mr Data. Ask away. DATA Is sex an important part of your life? How often do you have sex? How many partners do you have at the moment? What is your sexual orientation? Have you ever engaged in perverse sexual practices such as bondage, sado -masochism, anal intercourse ----- Picard interrupts, spluttering. PICARD Mr Data! DATA I am sorry Captain. Have I offended you? PICARD Computer! Halt. He thinks for a moment. Mr Data. DATA Captain? PICARD You must understand that sexual matters... He is obviously embarrassed. ...to human beings... sexual matters are very private, intimate. DATA (consulting his internal database) Intimate! Closely acquainted; familiar; closely personal; close; have had, or are having sexual relations. I see! Are you embarrassed Captain? PICARD No, no! Not at all... Yes. Why do you wish to know this information? DATA In my observations on human behaviour it has become apparent to me that a large portion of human activity and thought is devoted either to performing or thinking about sexual activity. To state two examples: Commander Riker spends most of his off-duty hours engaged in sexual activity ---- PICARD Data - how do you know that? DATA He told me, Captain. PICARD He told you? DATA Yes. Last night at Ten-Forward. Along with eighty-seven members of the crew, thirty-three minor dependants of the crew and twenty-two civilians, including Federation ---- PICARD ----- Including Federation Ambassador K'lpprs. He looks angry. He told the whole bar? In God's name, why? DATA I believe that he was intoxicated, Captain. PICARD I see. DATA And my second example is Lieutenant Commander LaForge. He appears to spend the majority of his off-duty hours thinking about sexual matters and attempting to devise a strategy that would enable him to actively participate. PICARD And is he successful? DATA No Captain, he is not. In the five years that I have known him, he has devised two-hundred and twenty-three custom holo-deck programs, one-hundred and fifty-six seduction lines, and sixty-three extensively planned dates. In all, he has approached twenty-one point six percent of all the females aged sixteen or over who have served on the Enterprise in that time. PICARD And these strategies have not resulted in success? DATA Apparently, the results so far are: first base reached seven times, second base reached three times, and third base reached once. Home base has not been reached. PICARD What is home base? DATA I do not know sir. That is why I am engaging in this research. So far, I have studied twenty-two thousand seven-hundred and ninety-one issues of women's magazines ----- PICARD (interrupting) And have they clarified your confusion? DATA No Captain. But I am now an expert in make-up, clothing and the moral and spiritual philosophies of over a thousand entertainment personalities. I have also studied the sexual habits and practices of over seven thousand intelligent life-forms. He scans his internal memory. The Rintari of Rintar Five insert pine cones into their anal passages, whilst the female of the Jakala species eats her partners genitals after mating. Amongst Vulcans, sado-masochism is common, whilst---- PICARD (Again interrupting) I think that's quite enough Mr Data! DATA But Captain. I require more information. PICARD I suggest you ask Commander Riker. This is more his department. INT. SICKBAY Riker is sitting casually on the examination table. DOCTOR CRUSHER Will! You really ought to think about changing your lifestyle! RIKER Look Beverly! So I picked up a little dose of the crabs. If you're just give me a little something, I can get back to work. DOCTOR CRUSHER It's not that simple. She brings up his medical record on her computer terminal, and begins to read it out. Four previous cases of Lavashian Clap. Two previous cases of Vulcan Love Rot. Seven previous cases of Tellurian Syphilis. Three previous cases of Klingon Penile Rabies. More cases of gonorrhoea than Deanna's had lovers. She scrolls down the list. Oh, and there was that thing you picked up off that tree on Senala 5. RIKER Look! A lot of the crew were affected on that planet. DOCTOR CRUSHER True. But Will, they all caught it off you! She walks back over to him. I'd better give you an examination. Could you whip your pants off please. Riker does so, slightly red-faced. Beverly begins to examine him. There's small traces of a substance under your foreskin. RIKER Substance? DOCTOR CRUSHER Some sort of brown material. I'll just take a sample. She takes out a vicious looking metallic instrument and scrapes off some of the substance. RIKER Ouch! DOCTOR CRUSHER Don't be such a baby. She walks over to the analysis unit, places the substance in it, and begins to analyse it. It's some form of organic matter. Based around sugar compounds. Some traces of caffeine. She thinks for a moment, then realises the answer. It's chocolate! Chocolate sauce! RIKER Yeah, well... I had a date with Deanna last night. DOCTOR CRUSHER Oh. Well you ought to be more careful about your personal hygiene. She picks up her syringe. I'll give you a basic shot of preventative agents. But next time, be more careful! RIKER Yeah, course. Honest. No problem. STAR TREK INTRO AND MUSIC PLAYS EXT. SHOT OF ENTERPRISE HEADING THROUGH SPACE PICARD Captains Log - stardate 3840939. The Enterprise is now two days out of Lavash, and apart from one minor diplomatic incident at Ten-Forward, shipboard life is calm. I only wish that my own state of mind was the same. This afternoon I had tea with Beverly... The woman is driving me mad. The way she just sits there, wearing that smug, knowing smile. The way she purrs “Jean-Luc” and boasts about the fact that she is the only person on the ship who can give me an order. Her hair. Her face. I just wanted to rip that uniform off her, tip her over my knee and give her a damn good... Still... At least I got that brat of hers transferred to the Academy and out of the way. INT. CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM The door whooshes open and Riker enters. PICARD Will! You wished to see me? RIKER (Troubled) It's about the incident in Ten-Forward. PICARD Ah yes. The slight problem between Ensign Rhodes and the Ambassador's aide. RIKER It was more than a slight problem, Captain. Ensign Rhodes - and his group - simply asked the aide if he would like to join them for a drink. PICARD Which in the K'Klak culture is one of the worst insults possible! RIKER Rhodes didn't know that. And as our guests on this ship, they should be prepared to adapt to our culture. Couldn't you talk to the Ambassador? PICARD (Putting on his anguished voice) What would you have me ask? That they should throw away ten millennia of history and culture? The K'Klak are an ancient and honourable people. RIKER Yes, but... PICARD Will... Haven't you studied your history? RIKER There was a girl in my history class... I was distracted. PICARD The greatest injustices, the worst outrages, in human history - have all started when one culture was asked to adapt to another. The most important lesson that we have learned, is that we must always fully respect other people's cultures. And never ask them to adapt to ours. RIKER So you're not going to talk to the Ambassador? PICARD No. That would be an abuse of my position. RIKER Captain! Ensign Rhodes is critical in sick-bay. Ten of the K'Klak dragged him into a Jeffries tube, kicked the living crap out of him, then dropped him down a turbo-shaft! PICARD Will! If that is their culture, then we must respect it. RIKER (Grumpily) Captain. He leaves the room, and walks across the bridge to Worf, who is standing at his station. RIKER I presume you've heard about the incident in Ten-Forward, Lieutenant? WORF Yes Commander. Do you wish me to take action? RIKER Well it's a bit difficult. The Captain does not wish any official action to be taken, since that would infringe on the Ambassador's status. WORF No official action? RIKER Exactly. But as the person responsible for the smooth-operations of this ship, I do feel that the K'Klak need to be persuaded not to do this sort of thing again. WORF (Snarling in ecstasy) Persuaded? RIKER Yes. Perhaps if you took some of your boys down to their quarters, and... persuaded them. WORF (Nodding happily) It shall be done, Commander. RIKER And Worf? WORF Commander? RIKER Could you be discrete about this? WORF Of course Commander. I will take all necessary security measures. The gleam of battle comes into his eyes. I will assemble a hand-picked team of my senior officers. And to ensure secrecy, we will take the K'Klak to one of the cargo bays and persuade them there. RIKER Very good Lieutenant. He walks to the turbo-lift and departs from the bridge. Captain Picard enters from his ready-room and approaches the female Ensign on helm. PICARD Is everything proceeding as planned? ENSIGN We had to reduce speed slightly, but we are still on course to meet our E.T.A. PICARD Why did we reduce speed? ENSIGN We were advised by engineering. Apparently, the engines were approaching operational limits. Some sort of imbalance apparently. So we reduced speed by three point five percent. Picard walks over to his seat, sits down and slaps his com-badge. PICARD Engineering! VOICE FROM ENGINEERING Yeah? PICARD To whom am I speaking? VOICE FROM ENGINEERING What the fuck's it to you man? Who are you, anyway? PICARD This is your Captain, Jean-Luc Picard. VOICE FROM ENGINEERING Shit! I mean - sorry, sir. This is Ensign Peterson, sir. PICARD (Speaking to Worf, who is clearly angered by the exchange) Lieutenant. Could you discipline Ensign Peterson at some point? WORF Consider it done. Picard reactivates the com-link. PICARD Ensign Peterson. Why did you advise helm to reduce speed? PETERSON The phase distortions within the dilithium crystals were approaching allowable operational tolerances. PICARD Which means? PETERSON Fucked if I... I mean that I'm not totally sure of the precise definition... Picard turns off the channel and makes a noticeable attempt to gather his thoughts. PICARD (Opening the channel) And so you took it upon yourself to advise a reduction is speed. PETERSON Look! I've been here two weeks. "Join Star Fleet and see the galaxy," they said. Then they dump me here, show me the crystals, and tell me: "For Christ's sake, don't let them get above five percent - if those mothers blow, we all fucking blow!" PICARD Who is the senior officer on duty in Engineering? PETERSON Sir? PICARD (Starting to get impatient) Are there any, more senior personnel in the engine room with you? PETERSON Er... no sir. PICARD Well where are they? PETERSON There was some bloke around. He told me to keep an eye on things, and then he left. PICARD Which officer was this? PETERSON I don't know sir. There is a pause. (In a helpful voice) He was wearing a yellow uniform! PICARD (Losing it) You're all wearing yellow, bloody uniforms, Ensign! He rolls his eyes to the ceiling. Ensign! PETERSON Sir? PICARD Carry on. He stands up and takes a step forward. Computer! Where is Lieutenant Commander LaForge? COMPUTER Lieutenant Commander LaForge is in Sanitary Area 5. The female ensign on helm sniggers for a moment. Picard glares at her. INT. SANITARY AREA Geordi is sitting on the toilet. He is frantically pulling large amounts of toilet paper out of the toilet paper replicator. His com-badge sounds. PICARD Mr LaForge! GEORDI Captain? PICARD There appears to be no-one competent in engineering. Could you please sort it out? Immediately! GEORDI I'm kindof busy right now Captain. PICARD Immediately, Mr LaForge. I want those engines back to full power within thirty minutes. INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE DEANNA TROY'S COUNSELLING ROOM Data, who is hovering outside, is approached by a crewman. CREWMAN Commander Data! Could I have a word? DATA Just one word? Surely that will not suffice? He scans his internal database. Ah! I see. You are using a colloquial saying to indicate that you actually wish to exchange many words with me - a conversation? CREWMAN Er... Yes. DATA Continue Lieutenant. CREWMAN Well, it's about your cat. DATA Spot? CREWMAN Yes... The thing is, when my wife and I got up today, we found him in our quarters. DATA I see! I will improve the anti-escape measures I have designed to contain him in my quarters. Is that all? CREWMAN Well... no. You see, he was trying to hump my daughter's pet gerbil. DATA Hump? He scans his internal database his eyes flicking from side to side. Hump! Protuberance, especially on back; rounded raised mass of earth; hoist or carry; colloquialism, meaning to have sexual intercourse. I see. Spot was attempting to have sex with your gerbil. CREWMAN My daughter was very upset. DATA I will add a feminising substance to the replicator settings for his food. CREWMAN Thank you sir. The crewman walks away down the corridor. Data pauses for a moment, then presses the entry-phone button by the door. DEANNA Come in! Data enters. INT. DEANNA TROY'S COUNSELLING ROOM DEANNA Data! How can I help you. DATA It is a delicate matter, Councillor. I was hoping that you could aid me in some experiments I wish to perform. INT. DEANNA'S BEDROOM She and Data are in bed, lying side-by-side, apparently naked. DEANNA Data don't worry... It happens to all men at some point in their life. DATA Nevertheless, I must perform an immediate Level 3 diagnostic on my genital sub-structure. This could be an indication of a malfunction. He picks up his com-badge from her bedside table, and presses it. Commander Data to Captain Picard! INT. BRIDGE PICARD Yes Commander? DATA There is evidence that indicates that I may be suffering from some form of malfunction. Since I do not yet know what that malfunction is, I must recommend that you temporarily relieve me of my duties. PICARD Could you inform me of what the malfunction is? INT. DEANNA'S BEDROOM DATA I would rather not Captain. PICARD All right. You are temporarily removed from duty. But Mr Data? DATA Yes. PICARD Could you keep me appraised of your situation? DATA I will sir. INT. BRIDGE PICARD And perhaps you ought to see Councillor Troy. INT. SICKBAY Geordi is walking in, very gingerly with straight legs. DOCTOR CRUSHER Hi Geordi! What's seems to be the problem? GEORDI I've been feeling a bit funny, recently. And now it's starting to get in the way of my work. DOCTOR CRUSHER Funny? In what way? INT. TEN-FORWARD An alien in civilian clothing is sitting, unaccompanied at the bar. Guinan is standing some way along the bar, with one of her barmen. BARMAN He's one of the Ambassador's aides. You know - the K'Klaks! GUINAN Really? I think we need a little talk. She wonders along the bar. Would you like a drink? He lunges at her, but she easily parries his attack and rams him down onto the bar, her hands clamped around his neck. When I was a little girl, I used to have this most wonderful Garrashian attack tiger as a pet. He had this incredibly beautiful coat: sleek, glistening. But do you know what the problem with Garrashian tigers is? He manages to shake his head, his face scraping on the bar. When they reach puberty, at about three years - they suddenly go psycho. And that's what happened to mine. He wouldn't do anything I ordered to him to. So do you know what I did? He manages another shake of his head. I went to see my great-great-great-grandmother, to ask her advice. And do you know what she told me? He manages another shake of his head. She told me that I had to dominate him, to show that I was in charge. She said that I had to kneel down in front of him... Look him in the eye, and... In one fluid movement she pulls him forward, and up from the bar, and onto her forehead in a vicious head-butt. ... and butt him square in the face! She lets go of the K'Klak, allowing him to fall onto the floor beyond the bar. And do you want to know something? He never challenged me again. The K'Klak hauls himself to his feet and staggers off towards the exit. Guinan turns and smiles to herself. INT. SICK BAY Geordi is lying on the examination table, Beverly is looking at her tricorder. DOCTOR CRUSHER Well, it looks like you picked up some kind of virus when you visited Lavash. GEORDI But it was just a technical conference! DOCTOR CRUSHER It is possible to pick up viruses at technical conferences. You'd better stay in your quarters - whatever it is, it looks very infectious. She taps on her com-badge. Doctor Crusher to Captain Picard! INT. BRIDGE Present are Captain Picard and Riker (sitting in their command seats), and Worf (at his station). PICARD Yes Beverly? DOCTOR CRUSHER I've just been examining Geordi. He seems to be suffering from some kind of virus. Riker and Worf hear the comment and begin to listen intently. PICARD That would explain his erratic behaviour. Is there any risk of the virus spreading? DOCTOR CRUSHER Considerable, I'm afraid. Riker and Worf begin to look concerned. PICARD Beverly. What exactly are the effects of this virus? DOCTOR CRUSHER Some sickness, stomach cramps... and extensive diarrhoea. PICARD Doctor Crusher! This is the twenty-fourth century! Are you really asking me to believe that we are all about to go down with the galloping trots. Riker and Worf are now exchanging worried glances. INT. SICKBAY DOCTOR CRUSHER Yes! INT. BRIDGE RIKER Red alert! WORF Arming photon torpedos! PICARD Belay that order! Disarm photon torpedos! He strides across the bridge. I'm afraid gentleman, that the power of this starship will not help us now. He turns. Mr Riker! I want a meeting of all senior officers, in my ready room, in thirty minutes. RIKER (Haltingly) Do we really want Mr LaForge present..? If he's, you know..? PICARD (Nodding, slowly at first, then more enthusiastically) Ask one of his senior officers to attend. INT. READY ROOM Present are Captain Picard, Doctor Crusher, Riker, Worf, and Deanna Troy. Beverly finishes explaining a complicated viral diagram on the wall screen and sits down. Riker shakes his head, as though waking up at the end of a boring school lesson. PICARD Thank you Beverly. So, that's the situation everyone. He turns back to Doctor Crusher. Beverly, how close are you to a medical solution? DOCTOR CRUSHER (Slightly flippantly) I need to do a lot more research into how the virus operates before we can even begin talking about a cure. PICARD If you continue then. Suggestions? WORF If the disease takes hold it might result in additional strain on waste facilities. I can erect emergency sanitation units on decks three through fourteen. PICARD Make it so! DEANNA I think we should give some thought to the effect on morale. In all cultures, learning to control bowel movements marks the progression from babyhood to childhood. To lose that ability, in any way, could cause considerable emotional confusion, and loss of self-esteem. PICARD That is a worrying possibility. It is vital that the crew continues to function. I want you to monitor the morale situation very closely. Deanna nods. Picard turns to Riker. Will! We must keep the ship going, however many people fall ill. I want you to work out some emergency rosters. RIKER Consider it done. PICARD (Looking around) Why isn't there anyone from engineering present? RIKER When I went down there the only person I could find was some retarded runt called Peterson. He said that: (putting on a voice) "the black guy in charge had got the shits, and everyone else had taken the opportunity to piss off and do something more interesting!" PICARD Damn! I was hoping to keep the situation under wraps. Where's Commander Data? RIKER You relieved him from duty, remember? Some kind of malfunction. PICARD You're right, I did. Leave him for the moment, but if the situation becomes serious, recall him to duty. RIKER (mouthing to Worf) This isn't serious? EXT. THE ENTERPRISE SPEEDING THROUGH SPACE. PICARD Captain's Log - Stardate 3840941. It is two days now since Doctor Crusher's discovery of the virus, and already over sixty percent of the crew are affected. There is still no prospect of a cure. INT. SICKBAY The room is overflowing with sick crew members. Worf enters, walking slowly. He approaches Crusher who is obviously tired and stressed. WORF Doctor Crusher. There is a very unpleasant smell in this surgery. DOCTOR CRUSHER (Still her usual flippant voice, but with an angry edge) It's the smell of people shitting themselves Worf! WORF Yes. Of course. I could have some high-powered air-freshener dispensing units installed? DOCTOR CRUSHER That will not be necessary. He remains standing before her. Was there something else Worf? WORF It is hard for me to say this Doctor. I seem to be afflicted with the same condition as these, other... people. DOCTOR CRUSHER Worf! If you've caught the virus, why don't you just say so? There's no shame. WORF Doctor Crusher, you do not understand. A Klingon warrior does not come down with... the runs. There is a squelching sound from his trousers. DOCTOR CRUSHER Well this one does! INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE DATA'S QUARTERS Outside are Riker and a female ensign from engineering. They ring the entry pad. DATA (From the speaker) Yes? RIKER Data! Can we come in? DATA I am currently engaged in some experimentation. Perhaps you could return later. RIKER Data. It's urgent that we see you immediately. The door opens, and the two enter. Inside, Data is lying face-down upon a mat, naked from the waist down. A cucumber protrudes from his anus. Riker is disgusted. Data! What the hell are you doing? DATA As I said Commander. I am engaged in experimentation. RIKER (Still disgusted) Experimentation? DATA Yes Commander. I have been wondering whether I should get myself a sexual orientation. RIKER Sexual orientation? But that's something you have, not something you get. DATA For you maybe, Commander. But then you were born human. RIKER (Now more horrified fascination) But why the cucumber? DATA I initially assumed that I would have been created with a heterosexual orientation, since I have been created as standard in all other respects. I decided that the best way to verify this hypothesis was to attempt to have sexual intercourse with a woman. Councillor Troi kindly volunteered. RIKER (Surprised) You did it with Deanna? DATA You pre-empt my explanation Commander. He thinks for a moment. Are you perturbed at the thought of Councillor Troi and myself having sexual intercourse? RIKER (Clearly perturbed) No! Not at all. The female ensign smirks behind his back. DATA To continue: I attempted to have sexual intercourse with Councillor Troi. ENSIGN (Breaking in) Commander. Most women prefer it if you say "making love." DATA Ensign, I am an android and cannot feel emotion. Since love is an emotion, I cannot therefore feel love, or make it. I will continue to use my previous terminology. RIKER You say that you attempted to have sex. DATA I failed. RIKER (Smirking slightly) It happens sometimes. DATA Has it ever happened to you? RIKER (Angrily) Of course not! Anyway, why the cucumber? DATA I reasoned that if I had failed to have successful sexual intercourse with a women, then perhaps I had been created homosexual. Before I redirected my experimentation in that direction, I needed to determine if my structure was capable of receiving a male member. I therefore instructed the replicator to produce a cucumber of approximately the correct dimensions. He reaches down and slowly pulls the cucumber free. This takes several seconds. Do you think it is big enough? Riker retreats toward the door, pulling the girl with him. RIKER We'll talk later. When you're not so... busy. INT. THE CORRIDOR OUTSIDE DATA'S QUARTERS Riker turns to her and grasps her arm. RIKER Could I have a quick word, Ensign... ENSIGN Reeves, sir. Ensign Susan Reeves. RIKER (smiling broadly) Susan! Can I call you Sue? REEVES (coldly) You did when we made love last month. RIKER We made... Of course! (puts on a hopeful smile) Sue...! I knew I'd seen you somewhere before! REEVES Of course you've seen me before Commander, I've served on this ship for almost four years. I also served a six month attachment as your personal aide, remember? That's where you picked me up. RIKER Sue! Just kidding! Anyway, you do realise that it is vital - for the ship – that Commander Data is restored to full operation? REEVES I do. RIKER Well perhaps you might be able to help him. REEVES How? RIKER By helping him work this thing through. REEVES (Confused) How? RIKER (Impatiently) By fucking his brains out! She slaps his face. REEVES What sort of girl do you think I am? RIKER A loyal Star Fleet officer, that's what! (He puts on a broad smile) Look, Sue... Could you do it for me? For old times sake. REEVES (Coldly) I will. Sir! She re-enters Data's cabin. INT. BRIDGE Present are Captain Picard and Riker. PICARD Did you have a chance to speak to Commander Data? RIKER Yes. A couple of hours ago. PICARD And was anything revealed? RIKER (Looking away, then speaking dryly) In a manner of speaking. PICARD But he still wishes to remain relieved of all duties? RIKER He does. PICARD Damn! Will, we must have him back. The situation on the ship is becoming critical. Doctor Crusher informs me that over seventy percent of the crew have become affected with the virus, we can't go at any speed above warp three because engineering is deserted, and my last communication with Councillor Troi was "oh no, it's all over the duvet!" RIKER Perhaps I ought to go and see how she is? He thinks for a moment. On seconds thoughts, perhaps not. PICARD And on top of that, the acting chief of security informs me that the robot floor scrubbers are becoming overloaded. The stench has become so bad that we've had to evacuate two of the habitation decks. RIKER I didn't realise things had got that bad. PICARD (Under his breath) You never do. The turbo-lift doors slide open, and Lieutenant Commander Data enters. DATA Captain Picard. I am now satisfied that I am not suffering from any malfunction, and ask that you restore me to duty. PICARD Gladly, Mr Data, gladly. You have completed your diagnostics? DATA Yes Captain. Ensign Reeves of engineering was kind enough to help me perform the necessary tests. PICARD And you're completely satisfied that you have performed enough tests? DATA I am Captain. Ensign Reeves and myself completed thirteen tests in all. RIKER (Raising an eyebrow) Thirteen? DATA Yes Commander. Six on the bed, four on the rug, two in the shower-unit, and one on the wash-basin... That final test was Ensign Reeves' idea. PICARD Where is Ensign Reeves? I would like to commend her for assisting you. DATA I believe she is in her quarters, sir. She said that she needed a period of rest. PICARD They must have been very stressful tests? DATA I think you misunderstand, Captain. The tests consisted of----- RIKER (Interrupting) I don't think the Captain needs to know the precise details of the tests, Mr Data. PICARD You're right Mr Riker, we mustn't waste time. Mr Data, I have an urgent investigation for you to carry out. DATA Investigation, Captain? PICARD Yes Mr Data. Ambassador K'lpprs has informed me that a number of his aides were dragged from their quarters by masked men, taken to Cargo Bay 3, and brutally assaulted. DATA And he is upset? PICARD Of course he's bloody well upset! (raises a hand) I apologise Mr Data, we'll all feeling a little stressed. DATA No apology is necessary, Captain. I quite understand that the imminent possibility of your underpants exploding is liable to impair your social and communicational skills. PICARD Yes... Anyway Mr Data. I would like you to investigate this assault and find the culprits. DATA Certainly sir. He turns and leaves the bridge. RIKER Is this investigation really necessary, Captain? PICARD Why do you ask Number One? RIKER No reason! PICARD Will! I want you to take personal charge of Engineering. Find out where the hell they are -those that haven't got the virus that is - and get them back to work! RIKER I'll get to it. EXT. ENTERPRISE SPEEDING THROUGH SPACE PICARD Captain's log - stardate 3840942. The situation is now critical, with over eighty percent of the crew suffering from the virus and most of the rest refusing to have anything to do with the sick. Since I myself am now suffering, I have called a meeting of the senior officers in my personal quarters. INT. PICARDS PERSONAL QUARTERS Riker enters, holding a can of air freshener, which he holds out toward Picard. RIKER Do you mind... Captain? PICARD Not at all, Number One. Riker begins to liberally spray the air, then advances on the bed, sniffs the area, lifts up the edge of the duvet, and sprays under it for several seconds. PICARD Is that really necessary Mr Riker? RIKER (Trying not to gag) I'm afraid it is sir. The door opens and Data and Doctor Crusher enter. PICARD I suggest we proceed. THE OTHERS (Desperately trying not to be sick) Please! PICARD Doctor Crusher! Have you had any success finding a cure? DOCTOR CRUSHER I've had some promising results, but I'm still some way from a cure. PICARD Keep at it! Mr Riker. What's happening in Engineering? RIKER We've managed to stabilise the situation, sir. I've scraped up a scratch team, and placed Ensign Reeves in command. PICARD Ensign Reeves? Isn't she a little inexperienced for such a post? RIKER I've found her very impressive sir. DATA I too sir. PICARD Well I'll leave the matter to your judgement gentleman. Are there any acute problems on the engineering front? RIKER We're experiencing a build up of methane in the air supply. DATA It may be possible to boost the efficiency of the filters. PICARD Make it so! How are your investigations proceeding? DATA Very well sir. I believe I have identified the attackers. Riker looks uneasily towards the doorway. PICARD Well, who are they? DATA They are members of the crew sir; to be precise: the security department. Riker stiffles a cough. PICARD Security? Are you sure? DATA I am sir. PICARD But it seems so unlikely. DATA It was in fact a simple process of deduction. I followed Sherlock Holmes's maxim that once one has eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however unlikely, must be the truth. He begins to pace up and down the room and puts on a silly voice. Including the Ambassador, there are twenty two K'Klak on board. Fourteen of them were assaulted, by six masked men. My initial research, amongst the crew, led me to believe that the assault was most likely committed by their own kind---- PICARD Why? DATA Because of the comments of the crew. Some of the facts that I was given were: "They're all a bunch of murdering bastards!" "The only good K'Klak is one with a ten-foot spike impaled through his chest," and "did you hear about the K'Klak who saw his wife give birth ---- PICARD I think we get the feel of the comments, Mr Data. DATA Certainly sir. I also consulted another source of information, which indicated that the K'Klak were a violent, homicidal species. PICARD I find that hard to believe, Mr Data. What was the source of that information? DATA The Daily Galaxy Bumper Book of Really Incredible Facts, Captain. Because of this information, I investigated the possibility that the assault was actually factional in-fighting. However, I soon rejected this hypothesis. RIKER (Worried) Why? DATA As I have said, there are twenty-two K'Klak on board, fourteen of whom were assaulted. If the six men who formed the assaulting team were also of that species then they would have to be drawn from the remaining eight K'Klak. However, of those eight K'Klak, two are elderly and in poor health, and four are well into middle-age and in poor physical condition. Since the six men who assaulted them were in superb physical shape, they could not have been K'Klak. They must therefore have been drawn from the crew. PICARD I see. But why security? DATA The six persons were superbly fit, highly skilled in unarmed combat, and worked well together as a team. My next thought, therefore, was that they might be members of one of the team martial arts groups. However, when I checked through the crew rosters of that night, none of these groups had at least six members off-duty. I reasoned therefore that those performing the assault must have received their training as a group as as part of their work, not as an off-duty activity. PICARD (Shaking his head) Security... DATA Yes Captain. I then compared the body descriptions given by the K'Klak with the dimensions of Lieutenant Worf and his five senior officers. The computer reports a ninety-three point seven percent probability that they are the persons responsible for the assault. PICARD I see. He looks up. If he is not too ill, could you ask Lieutenant Worf to report to me? DATA I am afraid that will not be possible, Captain. Lieutenant Worf committed ritual suicide six hours and thirty seven minutes ago. PICARD (Shocked) Ritual suicide? DATA Yes Captain. Apparently the shame of his illness was too much to bear. RIKER (Shocked) Shit! Fuck! DOCTOR CRUSHER He can't... She breaks down in tears. PICARD Beverly - please! To be finished... sometime.
Tags: star trek